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Amanda Hess Coaching

You did the counseling. You still feel like the problem.

Published about 17 hours ago • 1 min read

Hey Reader,

You went to couples counseling to fix things. You sat on the couch, you did the homework, maybe for years. And somehow you came out of it feeling worse than when you started, more sure than ever that you were the thing that needed fixing.

I want to say this before we go any further. There's nothing wrong with you. Your marriage might not be doomed either. You may just need a different way in.

So much of traditional couples counseling starts from blame. You walk in, you sit down next to the person you love, and you take turns naming what is wrong with each other while someone takes notes. Every session opens with the problem. It is no wonder you leave feeling defensive and raw instead of closer.

This week on the How To Love Yourself No Matter What podcast, I get into why that approach leaves so many people depleted, and I share the garden analogy I keep coming back to. You cannot grow a flower garden by pulling weeds forever. At some point you have to plant flowers.

What I do with clients is almost the opposite of what you have probably been taught. We start by getting you regulated, because regulation comes first. You cannot ask for what you need from the middle of a storm. From there we get clear on your needs and your partner's, we practice seeing each other as whole, messy people, and we sort out what is actually yours to carry from what belongs to them.

I will tell you something. The coach who changed my marriage never once spoke to my husband. She has never even met him. What changed was not him, it was me. I learned to regulate, to handle my own big feelings, and to show up as his partner with my boundaries in place. And it did not stop at my marriage. It changed how I showed up with my kids, with my dad, with my friends too.

If any of this is landing in your chest right now, come listen with me.

Listen to the episode →

Or listen right here

Wherever you are with your relationship, staying, leaving, or just bone tired of trying, you are allowed to start from a place that finally has your own back.

xx Amanda

P.S. Hit reply and tell me the one thing in your relationship you keep deciding is your fault. I would love to know what you are carrying.

On a Mountain, Kamloops, BC V2C6S9
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Amanda Hess Coaching

Life Coach for neurodivergent women who want to start controlling their thoughts and get rid of anxiety

I specialize in helping neurodivergent women control their thoughts & anxiety

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